just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
