There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
