a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
