respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He did a backflip because drugs
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