I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
