oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
