Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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