Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
