I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
