You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
