Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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