I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
