she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
