I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize