I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
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