She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
