Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
