dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
