You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I faked an abortion last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
