It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
