My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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