I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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