Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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