I could make wine with my vomit
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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