Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
