The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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