these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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