Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
