he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
