i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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