You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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