If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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