One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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