I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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