I wish my penis had an off switch
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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