Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize