He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize