There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
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