This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
