I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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