If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
