I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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