Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Randomize
