I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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