So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you inspire me to be a worse person
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
