He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize