It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
