He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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