It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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