i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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