i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
