i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
