life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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