Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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