I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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