who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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