apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
