Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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